Relationship Advice: Avoiding Family Holiday Hell

We all invest an awful lot of hope in our two weeks' holiday whether it’s Bognor or Barbados. We look at the photographs of happy, smiling families in the holiday brochure and see ourselves, carefree, relaxed and enjoying our well-earned rest.

Yet for many couples and families the longed-for holiday turns out to be very different from expectation – it’s a fact that requests for counselling to organisations such as The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships (tccr.org.uk) increase by 25% immediately after the main summer and Christmas holidays.

So how does the holiday somehow manage to steer itself off the cliff?

Susanna Abse of The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships says “We wait all year to be able to spend quality time together but the reality is that the close proximity of our partners may prove to be highly stressful, rather than provide the opportunity for the rekindling of romance and sexual desire. Children may be anxious about being away from home and fractious in the heat, may dislike the food they are offered and pick up on the tensions created by disappointment in their parents."

Our annual two week break costs us a lot – and not just in financial terms. How can we manage our expectations so that the whole family can write the postcard “Having so much fun – wish you were here”?

Susanna Abse says “There are half a dozen simple steps you can take that give your family holiday the greatest chance of success. Firstly, plan the holiday with realistic expectations – go for what’s practical and meets the need, not for the “dream” break. Next, it really helps to discuss the options with everyone involved before you settle on your destination: teenagers need to be given a say. And if you’ve got younger children, don’t spend a fortune on hotels with elaborate children’s programmes if you’re not sure your children will cope with being left – you’ll only find yourself having a battle.

“Something else that’s really important is for the adult couple to plan some time exclusively for themselves. Just a couple of meals on your own can make all the difference. And, in the same vein, if you can possibly afford it, don’t try to save money by booking a family room – the lack of physical as well as emotional space may tip the family over the brink.

“Finally, I’d say don’t expect a holiday to mend a relationship – time for each other can be very precious and helpful but it doesn’t reflect everyday life.”